"We look stunning in purple."

Babylon 5 vs. Rest of Genre

(Submitted by Kintaro 80, first posted in the
rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5.moderated newsgroup.)

Match 01: John Sheridan vs. King Arthur
Match 02: Jeffrey Sinclair vs. Ender Wiggin
Match 03: Susan Ivanova vs. Spock
Match 04: Michael Garibaldi vs. Worf
Match 05: G'Kar vs. Thomas Covenant
Match 06: Londo Mollari vs. Oedipus
Match 07: Delenn vs. George Powhatan
Match 08: Morden vs. Iago
Match 09: Kosh vs. Merlin
Match 10: EAS Agamemnon vs. That Ship from 2001: a Space Odyssey
Match 11: Shadow Ship vs. USS Enterprise-D
Match 12: Vorlon Cruiser vs. Battlestar Galactica
Match 13: The White Star Fleet vs. The Imperial Fleet
Match 14: President Clark vs. Emperor Palpatine
Match 15: Bester vs. Darth Vader
Match 16: Ulkesh vs. Saruman
Match 17: Deathwalker vs. The Mule
Match 18: The Zarg vs. Evil Styrofoam Man

I'm bored. So, I got to thinking... Babylon 5 has a lot of cool characters. But so does the rest of the "alternative fiction" genre. So, let's pit B5 characters up against others like 'em in a to-the-death match that will decide once and for all whether B5 is better than the rest... I know, it's stupid, but hey, make your own matches. (By the way, thanks to Inquest Magazine for giving me the idea!)

John Sheridan vs. King Arthur

To start things off, a famous historical figure and a character based off of him. Arthur has Excaliber, Sheridan has the White Star and the Agamemnon. Arthur has the Round Table, Sheridan has the War Council. Arthur has Camelot, Sheridan has Babylon 5. Arthur has- hell, they're practically twins...

Round 1

Sheridan, having just gotten back from Z'ha'dum, finds Arthur in his quarters watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. "We don't need you anymore!" yells Sheridan, practicing his speech for "Into the Fire". "Now get the hell out of my quarters!" Arthur raises an eyebrow and says, "Thou challenges mine honor! Thou shalt be turned to kibble!"

Round 2

Arthur draws Excaliber, Sheridan pulls his PPG. "I won a great victory during the Minbari War!" shouts Sheridan. "That may be so, but I have assembled the Round Table for the defense of the people!" They begin to circle each other, yelling their accomplishments.

Round 3-8

They continue to circle and boast. This could last for hours.

Round 9

Sheridan finally pulls out his ace: "My mentor was a giant alien in a cool encounter suit, and yours was just a wizard! Nyah!"

Round 10

Arthur is honkin' mad now! He swings Excaliber, chopping Sheridan's PPG in half. Sheridan squeals like a kitten before Arthur guts him.

Winner

King Arthur.

To the top

Jeffrey Sinclair vs. Ender Wiggin

It's savior and savior up against each other. Jeff is the great leader Valen, who set up an entire society for those ungrateful Minbari. Ender Wiggin is the guy who, after eliminating the alien threat of the buggers in Ender's Game, went on to save others' souls and commemorate the dead in "Speaker for the Dead" and it's sequels, all by Orson Scott Card. Will love and knowledge triumph over kindness and enlightenment? Or will it be the other way around?

Round 1

Sinclair walks up to Ender, who is sitting in the rest area on Babylon 4, and checks his watch. "I've gotta use the triluminary in an hour. Let's get this over with..." Sinclair puts up his dukes as Ender stands, stretches, and examines Sinclair. "You don't look like a bad person. Are you sure we're supposed to fight?" Sinclair frowns, thinking. "Have you done anything wrong?" "Well, I blew up the home planet of a semi-harmless race." Sinclair nods, then smiles. "Yeah, I guess that's bad enough to kill you for. G'night, evildoer!"

Round 2

Sinclair fakes left, then gives Ender a right hook. Ender dodges, barely getting out of the way in time.

Round 3

Sinclair attempts to grab Ender, but again Ender dodges.

Round 4-5

Ender continues to dodge Sinclair. This one could last a while.

Round 6

Ender, blinks, suddenly realizing that he has to beat Sinclair once and for all, or Sinclair'll just bother him again, and clobbers him with a haymaker.

Round 7

Sinclair goes down, and Ender is on him like a bad case of acne. About a dozen nasty kicks to the head later, Ender walks away, has a moral crisis that lasts about five minutes, and then recovers.

Round 8

Ender, perhaps curious about Jeff's destiny and not wanting anything else to do with those Lusitania people, uses the triluminary, flies 1000 years into the past, and talks to the Minbari he meets there. "Greetings, I am called Valen... now, let me teach you how to turn Z'ha'dum into a floating dustball..."

Winner

Ender.

To the top

Susan Ivanova vs. Spock

Illogic against Logic. These two fan favorites are practically polar opposites personality-wise, but Spock may have a slight physical advantage, what with that Vulcan strength and all. Let's get going...

Round 1

Ivanova is having a bad hair day. Noticing Spock, with his usual straight black hair, she goes ballistic, smacking him in the jaw.

Round 2

Spock raises an eyebrow and rubs his sore chin. "Fascinating," he frowns. "This is most illogical. Perhaps if we could talk about-" Ivanova interrupts him with a kick to the gut.

Round 3

Spock grunts, but is still confused about the illogic of the situation. Ivanova tries a right hook next, and Spock blocks it with superhuman speed.

Round 4-10

Ivanova swings, Spock blocks. Yawn.

Round 11

Spock grabs Ivanova's head and attempts a mind meld. Bad move, Spock...

Round 12

After completing the mind meld with Ivanova, Spock's head explodes. Ivanova has a cup of coffee and relaxes.

Winner

Ivanova.

To the top

Michael Garibaldi vs. Worf

This looks like a mismatch. Sure, Garibaldi's the guy to have at your back in a bar brawl, but Worf, son of Mogh, is a Klingon, complete with bat'leth. That alone is enough to lower Michael's chances, but don't forget that Worf is still pissed over Jadzia Dax being killed in the season finale, so Garibaldi shouldn't last long...

Round 1

Worf sees Garibaldi wandering around the promenade. With Sisko still out on walkabout... I mean, "working some things out"... Worf doesn't see any reason not to work out his frustration. He pulls his bat'leth and runs at Garibaldi, aiming for his head.

Round 2

Garibaldi, seeing him coming, turns and looks at the charging Klingon. "Woah, hey, can I ask you something?" says Garibaldi. "Where can I find a good Italian restaurant around here? I really feel like some lasagna..."

Round 3

Worf, momentarily confused, stops. "Las-an-ya?" asks Worf, scratching his head. "Oh, yeah... great stuff. Here, let me tell you how it's made..." replies Garibaldi.

Round 4

Garibaldi explains how to make lasagna. Worf smiles and points to the lower deck. "Oh, yeah, they sell those down in- urp!" Garibaldi smacks him in the head while his back is turned, and Worf collapses like a house of cards. Garibaldi rubs his sore fist and curses. "Damn... now, where did he say that place was?"

Winner

Garibaldi.

To the top

G'Kar vs. Thomas Covenant

Tortured heroes make great entertainment, and none is more tortured than Thomas Covenant. Star of Stephen R. Donaldson's "The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever", Tom has endured beatings, infection, and the amputation of two fingers, not to mention leprosy. G'Kar, on the other hand, has endured imprisonment on Centauri Prime, the destruction of his homeworld, and the loss of an eye. Youch. This one should be good...

Round 1

G'Kar is meditating in his quarters as Covenant enters. "Hi... are you G'Kar?" asks Tom. "I think we're supposed to fight..."

G'Kar frowns. "I've had enough violence in my life... want to try something else?" "How about paper-rock-scissors?" says Tom. "Sounds good to me..." replies G'Kar.

Round 2

They sit next to each other, and bring their fists up and down three times; Tom has rock, G'Kar has paper.

Round 3

G'Kar grins, but is interrupted when a burst of Covenant's White Gold magic hits him in the chest, sending him flying across the room. "Whoops," smiles Thomas. "Last man standing wins..."

Round 4

Tom leaves, and G'Kar stands, looking at the huge third-degree burns on his chest. "Bah," he grimaces. "Still nothing compared to the eye..."

Winner

Thomas Covenant

To the top

Londo Mollari vs. Oedipus

Moving from tortured heroes to tragic heroes, Oedipus, aka "The doomed Greek guy whom Sophocles liked," is the perfect candidate to go up against the equally-doomed Londo Mollari. It's really not a question of who will lose... only when and how.

Round 1

On Centauri Prime, the two combatants face each other, Oedipus with his sword, Londo with his Coutari. As they circle, one can just feel the tension build.

Round 2

A fleet from the alliance pops out of hyperspace and reduces Centauri Prime to rubble, and a keeper appears on Londo's shoulder. Oedipus laughs cruelly.

Round 3

Creon appears and whispers something in Oedipus's ear. "WHAT?!" yells Oedipus. "I killed my dad and married my mother?! Well... I guess that isn't so bad... at least we didn't have childr- oh, wait... we did. Ouch."

Round 4

Jocasta, Oedipus's wife and mother, kills herself, Oedipus blinds himself, and Londo is made the new emperor. Yay.

Round 5

20 years later, Londo and G'Kar strangle themselves to death, and Oedipus dies at Thebes after his kids try to sway him into their political brawl. Geez, what a depressing ending...

Winner

No one.

To the top

Delenn vs. George Powhatan

It's another battle between Messiahs. George Powhatan is the peaceful, introverted leader of a post-holocaust america in David Brin's "The Postman"... and no, I never saw the movie. Since both are fairly nonviolent, we'll do a contest in meditation...

Round 1

The two combatants face each other, Delenn staring into her candle, George with his eyes half-closed.

Round 2

Both pacifists continue to meditate.

Round 3-15

Yawn. This could take a while.

Round 16

Wait! Delenn is weakening, and Powhatan is bearing down!

Round 17

Naah, forget it... things are back to normal...

Round 18

Delenn reaches across to Powhatan and breaks his finger. Powhatan cries like a little girl.

Round 19

Seizing the advantage, Delenn resumes her meditation, and George's head explodes. His body is carted off to the same hospital as Spock.

Winner

Delenn.

To the top

Morden vs. Iago

It was really tough sorting through all of fiction's evil manipulators and liars to find the perfect person to go up against Morden... So, we had a preliminary tournament. The finals were Shakespeare's Iago (from Othello) vs. Stephen King's Leland Gaunt (from Needful Things), which Iago won by convincing everyone in Castle Rock that Leland was a big jerk... which he was. Anyways, here's Morden and his buddies against the guy who royally screwed up Othello and Desdemona's life, Iago.

Round 1

Iago starts spreading rumors about Morden, telling everyone that he's the love child of Justin and Anna Sheridan.

Round 2

Morden starts to suspect something when one of his normally loyal aides looks at him funny. He tells the rest of his contacts to keep an eye out for anything unusual, and then considers how to turn Londo back to the dark side.

Round 3

Uh oh... One of Morden's Shadow pals hears something. G'night, Iago. Morden and his associates raid his quarters and eat him alive. Just goes to show you: in the battle of the manipulators, the one with the bigger allies wins. Also: Don't screw around with the Shadows.

Winner

Morden.

To the top

Kosh vs. Merlin

You knew this was coming right after you saw Sheridan vs. Arthur... So, let's get on with it.

Round 1

Merlin walks into Kosh's quarters without wearing a breathing mask (Hey, he's Merlin, and he can do whatever the hell he wants).

Round 2

Kosh turns to look at him, the little green disk in the center of his face opening and closing. A little viewscreen can be seen hovering in the air, displaying images of stick-figure humans fooling around with an old-looking device. "(woosh, whistle) Go. Leave. Now," says Kosh. "I'm busy figuring out how to set up my VCR. We will meet at the hour of the scampering." Merlin frowns, and checks his watch. "It's three minutes to six AM. C'mon, can't you swing it?" Kosh's little disk opens and closes again as he replies, "(whoosh, whistle) No. You do not understand. I must watch the taped episode of Star Trek: Voyager Ulkesh recorded last night. Leave. Now," and turns back to the screen.

Round 3

Merlin is getting really mad... he hurls a bolt of lightning at Kosh, hoping it'll draw him away from the diagrams. Kosh turns back to Merlin, the little disk open all the way. "IMPUDENT!" he yells, and Merlin flies across the room like a ping-pong ball.

Round 4

Merlin stands, and zaps Kosh again, which necessitates another telepathic slap from Kosh.

Round 5-7

Zap, slap, zap, slap. It's like Zeus meets the Three Stooges...

Round 8

Kosh's encounter suit cracks open, revealing Kosh's angelic form. Merlin drops to the floor and begins to pray. "Oh, Lord, I'm sorry, you go ahead and watch Voyager without me laughing at you, I'll repent, really I-" Kosh kicks him into the wall, knocking him out. "Jerk," Kosh mutters, and goes back to figuring out how to set up his VCR. "Oh, hell..." yells Kosh. "It's Beta..."

Winner

Kosh

To the top

EAS Agamemnon vs. That Ship
from 2001: a Space Odyssey

This one seems pretty one-sided... The Aggy is a state-of-the art warship, and the Ship is pretty much a big spinning rocket that happens to have an insane computer inside. But, don't underestimate Hal... he's pretty darned clever.

Round 1

The Agamemnon, spying its prey, accelerates to full speed and open fires on the defenseless Ship. Hal, watching the engine start to melt and fall off, suddenly realizes that he's screwed.

Round 2

The Aggy locks onto the Ship and fires again, this time taking out that big antenna. "Well, looks like I was right," says Hal. "I told Dave that it would fail in 24 hours, and there ya go..."

Round 3

Hal opens the airlocks, spilling out atmosphere and sending the ship on a new course. The Aggy locks on again almost instantaneously. The sound of jeering can be heard all over the comm systems.

Round 4

Hal tries his last plan, sending a phone call to the Aggy. His little red light glows with hope.

Round 5

On board the Agamemnon, the crew suddenly gasps in horror: All their consoles now say, "Your session has been interrupted. You are no longer connected to America Online." The crew simultaneously yell, "F***ing call waiting!" and smash their monitors.

Round 6

With all systems destroyed, the Aggy begins to drift, and is destroyed when a huge monolith flies through it. Hal begins to sing: "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer dooooo...."

Winner

That Ship from 2001: a Space Odyssey.

To the top

Shadow Ship vs. USS Enterprise-D

No easy call on this one... The Enterprise packs some solid armaments, but the Shadow ship simply looks cooler.

Round 1

The Enterprise, having just saved an extremely rare germ from possible extinction at the cost of billions of latinum bars, suddenly registers an unusual signal. "Probably just another Romulan," says Picard.

Round 2

A Shadow Ship appears out of nowhere and slices a hunk out of the Enterprise's saucer section. "What th- raise shields!" yells Picard.

Round 3

The Shadow Ship's bursts of fire no longer directly affect the Enterprise. The Enterprise attempts to lock phasers on the enemy, but it's just too fast.

Round 4

Deanna Troi enters the bridge, looking like she has a really bad headache. Her eyes turn black, and the Shadow Ship appears to stall.

Round 5

The Enterprise fires on the Shadow Ship, and it crinkles up and dissolves as usual. Deanna looks relieved, but then runs into the restroom. When she comes back out, she has dyed her hair red and has found a new boyfriend with really long hair claiming to be the messiah...

Winner

USS Enterprise-D

To the top

Vorlon Cruiser vs. Battlestar Galactica

I'm putting my money on the Vorlons to slice the stupid Star Wars knock-off into ribbons.

Round 1

The Vorlons slice the stupid Star Wars knock-off into ribbons. Then, for dessert, they kill off the entire Cylon armada.

Winner

Vorlon Cruiser. I really hate that show...

To the top

The White Star Fleet (Led by Captain Montoya) vs.
The Imperial Fleet (Led by Grand Admiral Thrawn)

This one looks like a mismatch. The most brilliant mind in Imperial history is probably not going to lose to some guy who turned up on the show twice. Maybe if you gave Ender the same chance, he might do better than Montoya, but Ender is currently on Minbar from 1000 years before, teaching the Minbari how to make M.D. Devices and adjusting to life with a headbone. So, let's get moving...

Round 1

Inside the Imperial Flagship, the Chimaera, Captain Pellaeon enters Thrawn's personal holochamber and studies it. Thrawn has set it up to show clips from B5; one features the Agamemnon flying through debris, another has Sheridan diving from a balcony, and a third features a big, ugly thing stumbling out of a cloud of dry ice. Oooh, scary. The command chair in the center of the room turns, revealing an alien with blue-white skin, black hair and glowing red eyes; Grand Admiral Thrawn. "Come in, Captain. I was just studying the work of these 'Babylon 5' characters. It was this last one, entitled "The Zarg", that convinced me that they were simply too stupid to live. We will be engaging a fleet of their "White Stars" in a matter of moments. I have ordered our own ships to surround them in a classic trap formation; apparently, they are affected by the laws of inertia. Go figure." Captain Pellaeon simply nods, his mouth open and drooling, not understanding any of this.

Round 2

Captain Montoya, flying the White Star "Maria", notices the Imperial fleet that has trapped them. "Aw, hell... launch fighters..." Several squadrons of Minbari ships suddenly spiral from the bottoms of the White Stars and intercept the incoming formation of TIEs. One of the Minbari fighters is destroyed, and Montoya recognizes it as belonging to a Ranger. He frowns, suddenly getting very, very pissed.

Round 3

"Observe their strategy, Captain..." smiles Thrawn, sipping a cup of tea. "We send fighters at them, they counter with their own. How simplistic. Now we will open fire with our lasers and ask for their surrender..." Pellaeon simply nods like the Yes-man he is.

Round 4

Two White Stars are hit by lasers and go down; Montoya hits the communications console and the voice of Thrawn spills through the speakers: "This is Grand Admiral Thrawn. You have no chance. Surrender now, and we may be merciful..." Montoya grimaces, and hits the other button. "My name is Captain Montoya. You killed my Rangers; prepare to die."

Round 5

The White Stars suddenly change course and start ramming the Star Destroyers. Ivanova, watching the battle on ISN, says, "Why didn't we think of that?"

Round 6

Thrawn tries to look cool, but you can tell that he's peeved. Suddenly, his Noghri guard, Rukh, shoots him in the chest and hits the conveniently placed Self-Destruct button. Pellaeon barely manages to comprehend what's going on and shriek "Oh, hell!" before the Chimaera explodes.

Round 7

Montoya flies away from the battle in his one remaining white star. "Pyrrhic victory, shmyrrhic victory," he smiles.

Winner

The White Star Fleet.

To the top

President Clark vs. Emperor Palpatine

This one seems like a mismatch. Clark may be a bad, bad person, but Emperor Palpatine, the prunefaced guy from Star Wars, has superb manipulation abilities as well as the ability to fling lightning bolts at stuff. Plus, his theme music kicks ass. Hell, it's worth booting up X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter just to hear it... Ah, anyways, here we go...

Round 1

Vice President Clark, watching the ISN report of Earth Force One's arrival at Io on board Earth Force Two, hits a button and the Prez's ship explodes. "G'night, Santiago," he grins. Meanwhile, Emperor Palpatine, sitting in his throne on Coruscant, talks to Lord Vader about that ambush at Endor. "This pitiful insurgence will finally be over," he grins evilly, the folds on his face reshaping. "Little do they know about the cool laser we had installed on the Death Star. They have no hope of escape!" He laughs in that evil and mildly disturbing manner of his, and jumps into his personal shuttle.

Round 2

Clark shudders as his ship hits something. "What the hell," he mutters, and heads out of his office, leaving the dark-looking figure sitting alone. There, half of an Imperial shuttle sticks out of the hull, and the Emperor clampers down the ramp confidently. "I had the right of way, you jerk!" he rasps, letting the anger in him grow, along with his strength in the Dark Side. Clark blinks. "Look, old guy, you were going 35 in a 55 zone." Palpatine simply grimaces.

Round 3

Clark frowns, and fumbles in his coat pocket for his PPG. Too late; a zap from the Emporer's wrists, and the thing explodes, leaving a nasty scar on Clark's hands. He screams, and the emperor laughs again in his chilling way.

Round 4

Palpatine, late for an appointment, fries Clark until he looks like a KFC reject. He's about to leave, when the man who was sitting in Clark's office approaches him. "Hello," he smiles. "My name is Morden... would you mind if I ask you a simple question?"

Winner

Emperor Palpatine

To the top

Bester vs. Darth Vader

This is an interesting match... the evil psychic vs. the evil demi-god. Darth is one of the most recognizable villains of all time, and has been around since Star Wars. Plus, he has James Earl Jones' voice. Kick ass.

Round 1

Darth, having just sliced Luke's hand off, heads back to Cloud City's docking pad. Along the way, he bumps into Bester, who is reading a book entitled "Bespin on 80 Credits a Day". The book goes flying and hits a Stormtrooper in the back, causing the cover to fall off. Bester turns, enraged. "How dare you! I'm Psi Corps!" he yells, waving his little badge.

Round 2

Vader slices the badge in two with his lightsaber. "Don't piss me off, Chekov!" he yells, and then wheezes a couple times.

Round 3

Bester is pissed! He draws his PPG and shoots Vader in the chest before he can react. Vader looks down at the little indicators on his chest, and noticed that a few have stopped. "Ha!" he wheezes. "You only got the special effects!"

Round 4-7

The two circle, Bester with his PPG, Darth with his lightsaber. The stormtroopers crack out popcorn and Junior Mints.

Round 8

Bester blinks, and frowns. "Why are we fighting?" he asks. Darth tilts his head and thinks. "I dunno. Want to take over the world?" "Sure."

Round 9

Bester and Darth take over the world.

Winners

Both of 'em.

To the top

Ulkesh vs. Saruman

Another mismatch... Ulkesh, the Vorlon who seems to be a rough equal to Kosh, is going up against a staffless Saruman from Lord of the Rings. This shouldn't take long...

Round 1

Ulkesh saunters into the White Tower, ready for a fight. Something hits him in the side of his encounter suit's helmet, and he notices a palantir roll to the ground. The little disk in his face opens and closes a few times, and he notices that Wormtongue is standing in the corner wearing a baseball pitcher's outfit; apparently, he's been practicing.

Round 2

Ulkesh fries Wormtongue, then proceeds up the steps to confront Saruman.

Round 3

Saruman turns, notices Ulkesh and wets his pants. "Ack!" he yells. "Please spare me!" Ulkesh's disk opens and closes a few times as he considers. "(whoosh, whistle) No," he replies.

Round 4

Ulkesh roasts Saruman like a marshmallow. "(whoosh, whistle) Whew," says Ulkesh. "Good thing he didn't have an electrical discharge, a Vorlon, and Lorien on his side..."

Winner

Ulkesh.

To the top

Deathwalker vs. The Mule

Underappreciated yet totally evil sci-fi villains are the stars of this battle, with B5's Jha'dur the Deathwalker, military genius and chemical weapons maker extraordinaire, fighting the Mule, the Foundation Trilogy's own bona fide mutant military genius and emotional manipulator. And when I say emotional manipulator, I mean he's a he-blinks-and-you're-working-for-him emotional manipulator. Ouch. Get the hell outta the way...

Round 1

Jha'dur leads the entire Dilgar fleet towards the Mule's secret base on Kalgan, armed with thousands of particle weapons and chemical bombs.

Round 2

The Mule blinks.

Round 3

The Dilgar fleet turns and heads directly into the heart of the Foundation, where it is conquered on the Mule's behalf. "Suckers," mutters the Mule.

Winner

The Mule.

To the top

The Zarg vs. Evil Styrofoam Man

This is the most pathetic grudge match of all time. It's the Zarg from "Grey 17 is Missing", also known as the deadliest animal ever, despite its slow speed and extreme vulnerability. The Evil Styrofoam Man made his first appearance on Power Rangers. Oooh, scary. Let's watch, won't we?

Round 1

Zarg is on Larry King, explaining that he is not, repeat not the same critter from "Infection" with a new mask and gloves. Suddenly, ESM bursts into the set, roaring like crazy.

Round 2

The Zarg advances on ESM, cloaked in an ever present cloud of dry ice. He rakes his claws across ESM's chest, producing a shower of sparks. Of course, Power Rangers monsters don't bleed... that would be violent.

Round 3-9

The fighting tumbles onto the street as pedestrians run from the all-consuming cloud of dry ice and pyrotechnics.

Round 10

That evil villainess from Power Rangers watches the battle from the moon. She flings down her giant wand staff, causing Evil Styrofoam Man to grow about 2000 percent...

Round 11

The Zarg, looking up at the now-huge styrofoam titan, decides to run for it. Suddenly, he has an idea, and heads for the supermarket. What's he up to?

Round 12

Fanning away the dry ice cloud, the Zarg downs milk cartons as fast as he can. Meanwhile, the giant ESM leans down and looks through the store windows a la Godzilla. Oooh, scary...

Round 13

The Zarg suddenly begins to transform. Oh my God! He's consumed Bovine Growth Hormone, and is now growing at an exponential rate! The supermarket explodes outward, and the ESM retreats in confusion.

Round 14

Standing in the ruins of what was once a Safeway is a giant cow. The ESM cautiously approaches, not sure what to make of all this...

Round 15

Bad move, Styrie. The cow kicks him really hard, mortally wounding him. The Evil Styrofoam Man groans and spins around a couple times before finally exploding. Once again, the Power Rangers producers ignore the fact that organic material doesn't explode. Ah, well. The cow appears nonchalant, and simply chews its cud.

Winner

The Cow

To the top